Tashaki Miyaki - Unsatisfied (The Replacements)

Okay. I did it. I bought the field boots. They went on sale. It’s not like a pair of boots are going to determine my future, right? Fuck it.

Ahhh another year comes to a close. Some anonymous nosy parker (probably spam) wanted to know more about “who I am” because I “seem like a really interesting person.” Sure.

Well guess what sucker! It’s New Years Eve, a time for reflection. So I’m just going to go ahead and glaze over most of the things in my life that are actually important and just share some self absorbed facts to help boost my self esteem as I spend yet another night alone in a foreign country. You can piece together my narcissistic personality from these juicy tidbits below.

1. I once sat for an extremely expensive piece of art. Like, legitimate art by a well known artist. It’s worth more money than I will probably ever net, and though I’ve never seen the finished product in real life, I’m assured by a friend who saw it in Paris that it’s also massive. Sometimes I forget that this actually happened, and then I remember and realize that it’s probably one of the coolest things that ever happened to me. Possibly that ever will.

2. My grandpa dated Bryan Adams’ mom. Consequently, during these years we referred to him as “Unky Bry”, which no doubt went unappreciated.

3. I found out first hand in an amp repair shop in Portland that Isaac Brock is a mouth kisser.

4. There are topless photos of me on the internet. It’s art, guys, it’s art. There were nude photos published in a magazine too, but they’re super artsy and painted over so you can’t see anything exciting so DON’T WORRY MOM AND DAD.

5. I’m told that I have a “racially ambiguous” look. Go ahead and try to guess my ethnicity. 

A year ago I thought of myself as a jumper. Heels down, eyes up, count your strides, throw your heart over first. A woman, standing beside my mom watching me ride commented: “oh, she’s an eq rider isn’t she?”, while one of my good friends (an FEI dressage rider) used to tease me for being such a hunter (pronounced “hunnnnner”). I prided myself on a soft hand and a forward seat, always looking ahead, looking for the next fence. 

This morning I put on a double bridle to work on flying changes and canter pirouettes with one of the 7 year olds. He’s not used used to having so much metal in his mouth, I’m not used to having so much leather in my hands, but we’re learning. His half-step trot is coming along nicely, soon we’ll be working on piaffe and passage. I’m reminded to use less leg (what?!), to sit up tall, seat in the saddle. I’d originally decided to spend these six months training classical dressage as a way of getting back to the foundations of riding before tackling the more aggressive jumper ring. I’ve always felt that with dressage as your base you can ride anything. I still believe this. But I might be getting too far in. Or maybe I’m getting old.

I love my coaches and I know I’ve weaseled my way into their hearts. They constantly remind me what a tough industry this is, how hard the life is. But they tell me they think I’m a “phenomenal rider”, gifted, and with a work ethic that could take me to the upper levels if I prove to have the determination. The deeper I get, the more advanced the tests I ride… the more I look at jumping with apprehension. Suddenly a 4’6 fence seems impossibly high, a 3’6 oxer gives me heart palpitations - and not in the way it once did. How could I possibly ride a 5’3 grand prix? Suddenly Prix St Georges seems exhilarating, the prospect of picking my music for a freestyle a welcome challenge.

My boots are falling apart and with a limited budget I’m in the market for a new pair. But do I go with another pair of field boots and keep looking for that next fence? Or do I embrace this new life, invest in a reinforced back seam and say goodbye to the punched toe cap?